2003-02-10 - 2:09 a.m.
I think I recally reading somewhere that if you must prove your feelings to a girl you must be willing to embarass yourself greatly before her. If this is the case, then every girl I've ever even considered for a brief micro second would've never trampled over my heart so coldly. Or would they? I'm coming to the conclusion that the human race as a whole is fucked and that(and pardon me if this sounds sexist but it's just what has been shown to me slowly but surely over the years)half the female gender is driving the fucking bus to Totally Fuckedville. I keep proclaiming to anyone who will hear me that I'm done with dating...that I'm tired of the bullshit and animosity...but dammit, I can't help but yearn for those moments of waiting by the phone knowing "she" will be calling any minute now...those quiet moments coupled between soft sighs of contentment as you lie there in their arms as your favorite movie fills the room with beautifully sweet sounds, her head resting over your heart capturing the sound of each beat...even the ones that skip for her. I live for the little things...those little moments just before the bigger picture cracks and fades...how funny that the little things at the start are always those great moments but then the little things become utter hell. They switch from beautifully sweet moments to painful heart aches like the final somber notes of "Wild Horses" by The Stones as it ends my "Music For The Misery" mixtape, something I made to comfort myself in these times...just as it all comes to an abrupt end. How is it that something that can start out so wonderful turn out so sour and painful? I could search a million years and I don't think I'd ever find any understanding of love...I just wish I could find SOMEONE who understands me...because I don't understand who that is either. I think I'm starting to crack up under the weights of solitude...and beneath the weights of simple, common needs.
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